Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Old McDonald's

I feed my kids McDonald's.

I cringe just typing that, ick! That statement is like hundred times worse than admitting you eat at McDonald's. No one is proud that they eat at McDonald's, much less that they feed it to their toddler.

The thing is, McDonald's is easy. So unbelievably easy! All I have to do is pull my minivan around a little building, shell out $12 and Voila! lunch is ready! Or even better, shlep my kids inside McDonald's and let them destroy the disgusting play area! Whoo Hoo! Not only do I not have to make my 15,000th peanut butter and jelly sandwich but, I don't have to hose down my kitchen table today! Score!

It is garbage though. I know I am basically feeding them garbage. I might as well just stay home and dump the trash out on the table and tell them to go at it. I have seen the pictures of a 20 year old hamburger and fries where it looks exactly the same as the one I fed my 1 year old for lunch. At least I make them eat the apples and drink white milk. (who am I fucking kidding with that, like that makes it better!)

Recently my 6 year old finished his entire happy meal. His cheeseburger, all the fries in the adorable little mini fry container and apples and all his white milk (why don't I just get them chocolate milk, seriously) and he was still hungry! Son of a bitch! Surprise, surprise, garbage doesn't fill you up! Now what? Should I get him the "big kid meal?" Twice the fries, twice the chance of childhood obesity and diabetes! Yayyy!!! Or I guess I could just get him an adult value meal, expect wait, it doesn't come with a piece of crap toy.

I soooooooo want to say I only feed my kids whole grains, fresh fruits and veggies and that they've never tried soda and that they only get dessert like once a month as a "special treat." That would make me a big, fat liar though. I do feed them a ton of fruits and veggies, but it is not the only thing I feed them. Here's the thing, remember when I said how freaking easy McDonald's is? Well fresh fruits and veggies are a pain in the ass!

Picture this, just got home from Target, the library, the Y, or wherever else I carted my kids around all morning and it is noon.

Child A starts before we even get out of the van: "I'm hungry! I want a snack!"
Me: "We're not having a snack right now, we are going to go inside and have lunch."
Child A: "But I want a snack! I not want lunch!"
Child B: "Can I go downstairs and play legos?"
Me: "No, you need to stay upstairs and help get lunch ready."
Child A: "I not want lunch!!! I want a snack!"
Me: "How about a lunch-snack?"
Child B: "What!? I'm not even hungry, I'm just going to go downstairs and play legos."
Child A: uncontrollable wailing...
Me: "No you're not because if you don't eat lunch now, you'll be ravenously hungry by 2pm and then after you stuff yourself with graham crackers, you won't eat supper at 5pm!"
Child A: "I like graham crackers, can I have graham crackers?"

Oh and all the while this is going on, the baby is screaming bloody murder as I try to unstrap her from her car seat.

So, yeah the first thing I want to do when I get in the house is spend 15 minutes cutting up watermelon and peeling carrots. That should go over well.

For those of you thinking, why don't you just prep lunch before you leave the house so it's all ready to go when you get back? Fuck off.

Seriously, if I had time for that kind of crap I would get even less sleep than I already do and have even less patience for that little scenario I just played out for you, which happens like twenty times a day, by the way! Different themes, but the same players, same pointless arguing.

A friend and I were talking that there should really be a drive thru where you could get a healthy lunch for you and your kids. That doesn't take a million years. Oh, and doesn't cost as much as a small island. But alas, no such place exists. Even "family" restaurants with their so called "kids menus" are crap.

"Yes, my 3 year old will have mac and cheese and fries and what do you have to drink? A coke, sure, that seems appropriate for his age. How much is that going to be $10? Perfect. I could buy like 12 boxes of mac and cheese for that, but this is good too. Oh and you are going to give me evil looks when he climbs under the table and throws his fries on the floor, no problem, here's your $5 tip! Thank you!"

So yes, I feed my kids freaking McDonald's! Because it's easy and I'm lazy and cheap and it shuts them up... for like 15 minutes anyway.

Here's some more fun facts about kids and McDonald's-
  1. Sometimes, I ask my kids what they want from McDonald's. They say, "A toy." 
  2. What is with them asking "Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?" Ummm what are you trying to say about my little boy who wants a stupid barbie figure? Or about my girl who wants the ugly transformer thingy from a show I have never heard of and hope my kids don't ask to watch?
  3. There is no need to be a judgmental Prissy Pants in the playland. You brought your kids to McDonald's! You are feeding them the same garbage as me! I don't give a crap if you ordered them a salad or a yogurt parfait, it's all garbage! And this place is disgusting and we are both allowing our kids to play in here and they are both probably in there, licking the side of the tubes. You are not better than me, so quit acting like it!
  4. One time my kid's happy meal had a baggie of apples with only 1 apple slice in it. Seriously McDonald's? The apples are the one thing that make me feel better about myself when I feed them your horrible food, must you screw me over like that? Oh wait, you must, you are the devil.
  5. Little kids are cute because McDonald's is a hard word for them to say. My oldest used to call it Donald's... awwww. Poor dumb kid has no idea what poison his mother is feeding him. One friend's kid called it Old McDonald's. Yeah, expect that Old McDonald wouldn't be caught dead in McDonald's because despite the catchy commercials, the food there is NOT from places that look like the idealistic red barn on the Old McDonald CD case.
  6. Sometimes I want to ask them to put my smoothie in a coffee cup instead of the see through one, so that when my kid asks for some of my drink, I can be like, "Ohhh sorry honey, this is coffee. It's just for grown ups." Then I can have the smoothie all to myself! (insert evil laugh here)
  7. Before I had kids, I said, "I will NEVER feed my kids fast food." What a judgmental Prissy Pants I was. I'm so happy with how far I've come.

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Thank you for sharing!