Friday, November 21, 2014

Funny Stuff My Kids Have Said At Church

We are a Catholic family. For our 3 young children, that means learning to sit through an approximately 1 hour Mass every weekend. Taking 3 young children to Mass every weekend can be hell sometimes. Which is ironic really, given the location.

Passing on faith in God and our traditions is worth it, of course. They are immersed in the language of the Mass (even if they think it's "Lettuce Pray", instead of "Let Us Pray") and the community (giving the sign of peace is my kids' favorite part of Mass).

The very first Mass I went to as a mother was the Easter Vigil, which takes place the Saturday evening before Easter. My new son was only a few weeks old. I figured he'd sleep through the whole thing, as it had been his usual sleeping time thus far. My husband and I were ushered to a seat in the second row (probably because we were running late, like always) and right away my new little man started fussing. My husband and I were shocked! What do we do? We panicked. Should we just leave? He was supposed to sleep the whole time!

We started to gather our things, thinking we would need to make the long, shameful walk to the exit. Then my precious little bundle let out an enormous, loud, very adult sounding, fart. You could almost feel the contentment wash over him and soon he drifted off to sleep.

What did I do? I laughed right out loud. I couldn't help myself! I found it hilarious that this sweet, tiny baby could do something so brazenly inappropriate like have loud gas in the middle of Mass and not care one bit.

I don't know what was more embarrassing, a loud, obnoxious fart or me, loudly, obnoxiously giggling about it. My husband assures me that the laughing was most the embarrassing part. Thus began our lives as Catholic parents.

This was the first in a long line of funny and embarrassing things that have happened with my kids at Mass. And being that my kids are still young, I'm sure there's many more moments to come.

Here's what we got so far-

Son: (during Homily) Is that Jesus talking?
Me: No, that's Father Jerry
Son: Who's Father is he?
Me: He is a priest, he is a father to everyone at church
Son: So... where's Jesus then?
Me: Everywhere. And in our hearts.
Son: Jesus is God right?
Me: Close enough.

Around the age of 2 or so, they discover the holy water font at the entrance to church, or what they consider to be a fun water table to splash in.

Son: (referring to the Communion and the tabernacle) What is that little church Father puts the crackers in?

Son: (starts laughing)
Me: What's so funny?
Son: That man... (he can hardly contain himself as he points to a balding man) his head is popping up out of his hair!
Me: (starts laughing so hard I can hardly contain myself)

On more than one occasion, my kids have tried to steal from the collection basket. They put the money we gave them in and then just grabbed a handful for themselves. "But I want to put it in my piggy."

Son: (during the singing of Hosanna) Are they singing about Obama?

I have stood up in front of church to read the readings over the noise of an antsy toddler calling MAAAMMMMA!

Kneelers. Ugh, seriously if you have ever been near a child and a kneeler, there is nothing I need to say about this. They want it up, then down, then cry because it smashed their toes. They want to walk on it like it's a balance beam, they lay on it, they sit on it, and poor things, when they actually use it for its intended purpose and kneel, they can't see over the pew.

I have sprinted to the altar to retrieve a runaway toddler, breastfed babies, changed poopy diapers, read Noah's Ark 100 times and rocked fussy babies to sleep all during Masses since I became I mother.

Once in awhile, our little monsters will encounter a disapproving look from those unfortunate enough to be sitting near us.  For the most part though, our fellow parishioners are encouraging. Saying things like, you're kids are so good and cute and not at all annoying. Of course, they're lying.

Every time someone comments about how wonderful our children were at church, my husband likes to say, they just say that so we will come back.

And we do go back, every weekend (well not every weekend- we're not perfect). And we remind the kids, no yelling, no running, etc, etc. Then, they come up with all new warnings for us to say, like, no licking the pew, stop hitting your brother, stop banging your head on the floor, and keep your clothing on!

At least I'm in the right place when my kids make me say, "Lord Help Me!"

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Thank you for sharing!

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