Monday, January 19, 2015

Things I never thought I’d say before I became a parent

Everyone knows nothing can really prepare you for becoming a parent. You can read books, talk to other parents, but until you have your own mini me(s) you don’t know what you're in for. Here is a list of stuff that, never in a million years, I thought I’d hear myself say:

1)    Don’t lick that!

Seriously, why?! Why do kids lick so many nasty things? Windows, shopping carts, playground slides, toys, the table, each other! Put your damn tongue away, please!

2)       Put your penis away!

Okay, everyone always jokes about how much kids like to be naked, but I didn’t realize how much they LOVE to be naked.

3)       I don’t care if you don’t have to go potty, just try.

The kid can be wiggling around, doing the potty dance, clearly having to pee soooo badly, and he looks me right in the eye and says, “I don’t got to go potty, Mama.” Bologna, get your butt to the can, man! When we get there and he pees as much as a damn racehorse, I say, “Oh yeah, no pee in there.”

4)    No, you cannot have cookies for breakfast.

A pop tart is basically a cookie. Here, have pop tart.

5)      You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

No, I will not pick out all the blue M & Ms for you, or pick off green peppers off you pizza or cut your crusts off, or transfer your lunch off the blue plate onto the red plate you really wanted. You are not Madonna kid. Tough cookies.

6)      Because I said so.

Ick. No parent ever wants to say this for the mere fact that they hated hearing as a kid! Sometimes though, it’s just all that will suffice.

7)      I’m doing the best I can.

Translation: I’m about to lose my shit here because you kids are demanding a million different things at once and I am reminding you I’m only human and doing the best I can. What I really want to say is leave me the fuck alone for 5 minutes so I can get dinner done or whatever and then I will help you find your tiny ass Lego lost in a sea of other tiny ass Legos or refill you milk or watch your cars race or whatever!

8)      Go ask your father or What did your dad say?

We all know what this means. I don’t freaking know what the right answer is or I’m busy and don’t want to deal with this right now. So, go bother your dad and let him figure it out.

9)      Screen time.

I had never heard this phrase before I became a mom and I never would have been able to imagine the amount of different “screens” available to my kids. Or the amount of guidelines and advice on dealing with screen time.

10)    I love you.

Okay, so I knew I’d love my kids before I became a parent, but I had no idea how powerful a mother’s love really is. There are no words to describe it. There is no way you can explain it to someone who isn’t a parent.

I am always blown away but how full my heart is with love for my three little monsters. Even when they make me say things I'd never thought I'd say and even when they drive me bat shit crazy, I love them more than I could have ever imagined.

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Thank you for sharing!

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