Sunday, October 25, 2015

18 thoughts I had while walking through a corn maze

1) What the hell? I'm paying $20 to traipse through a damn corn field with my three kids and husband. I can think of a lot of stuff  I could buy with $20. Like actual corn to eat, maybe?

2) Welp, tis the season, have to do it! I'm pretty sure we'd be breaking some kind of suburbia law if we skipped the corn maze in fall.

3) Son of bitch, the toddler wants uppy already? Why didn't we bring the wagon in here, it totally would have fit. Gah, she weighs like a million pounds, my arms are burning. Here, go on my shoulders kid. Shit, now my shoulders are burning!

4) Where the hell are we going? We're supposed to look for animal tracks or something? How long is this going to take?

5) The toddler wants to go a different direction. Eh, what the hell? See ya boys! The girls are going to find our way out by ourselves! Whooo!

6) Oh God! Where did they go? We are lost! I am never getting out of this maze!!

7) Voices! Oh no! I hear voices behind us. Some one's coming up behind us! Oh God, oh God! We're going to die in here!

8) Huh, it's just some hipster couple in their early 20s. Whew, we're not going to die.

9) Did he just ask her if she snapped that? What the fuck is that? Are they talking about snapchat? Is that what you say when you use snapchat? I snapped that? Man, when the hell did I get so old? 

10) My shoulders are burning! Kid you need to walk. Okay, fine, I'll hold you a little while longer.

11) I can't wait to get caramel apples after this. Mmmm.. caramel... 

12) I'm never going to find my way out! I'm going to have to just start screaming Help! Help! Oh, there's my husband and boys.

13) Why are there no benches in here? I could use a break.

14) Hell no! We are not splitting up again! I will die in here if you leave me alone!  

15) There is no end! We are never going to find the exit!

16) Oh, we're done. Thank God!

17) The lady working the gate said she was just about to call someone to take our wagon that we left at the entrance because we couldn't possibly still be in the corn maze since it's been so long. Fuck you lady, fuck you!

18) Can't wait to do this again next year kids! Weeee!!! Point me in the direction of the caramel apples, biatches!

Thanks for reading! You may also like: 6 Things I’m Looking Forward to About Fall

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  1. Hilarious. I've never been in a corn maze. (Yes, I have no idea how I escaped it). I'm claustrophobic so not sure how I'd do. Your mind sounds like it goes on the same crazy thought loop as mine. Loved it.

    1. Thanks for reading! They are totally overrated! You are fine skipping it.

  2. Omg, I was laughing so hard as we got stuck doing two of these this past fall. One when we went apple picking and the second with my in-laws, who twisted our arms on Columbus Day. I am not kidding when I say I am so over corn mazes after that experience if I ever was. Well until next year LOL! ;)

    1. Thank goodness we only have to do this in fall!

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